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Journalists have dedicated their careers to getting scoops, checking facts and crafting prose. Get over it, girls and boys
Dear Colleagues,
After yesterday¡¦s shareholder vote to approve our takeover of Time Ink Corp, I would like to take this opportunity to welcome Time Ink¡¦s talented and hardworking journalists into our ranks. We at Tech-Sure Extruded Polymer Solutions share your dedication to quality, customer service and shareholder value.
Anybody who reads the newspapers these days ¡V and there aren¡¦t many of you left ¡V is aware¡§old media,¡¨ i.e. those print and broadcast activities that form the core of Time Ink¡¦s business, deep dishwater. Advertising is migrating to the Internet. Readers and viewers are migrating to Facebook and TiVo. Profits are migrating God knows where. Bold solutions are called for. That¡¦s why bought Time Ink ¡V for about 10 cents on the dollar ¡V because solutions is our middle name. Well, last name, actually, but when it comes to making Time Ink a productive part of our corporate family, we will spare no boldness. Accordingly, I am pleased to announce the following initiatives:
- Buyout packages will be offered to all Time Ink employees. Those packages are available for inspection at our corporate headquarters, where they are stacked in the northeastern corner of the lobby near the fire exit. Each package includes a 10kg bag of rice, a selection of expired canned goods and the addresses of emergency rooms near all Time Ink facilities. Tech-Sure does not offer healthcare coverage to current or former employees.
- For the tiny minority of Time Ink staff invited to remain, we will offer re-education courses on the Tech-Sure Way?, our unique philosophy of quality control, cost containment and zero bathroom breaks. I¡¦m certain that the Tech-Sure Way? will give former Time Ink employees the discipline and self-control needed to return their product lines to profitability.
- At Cable News Now, we will discontinue all coverage except for crime, natural disasters and the marital and drug problems of celebrities. Crime suspects will be referred to as ¡§thugs,¡¨¡§scum¡¨ or ¡§perps.¡¨ All newscasts will lead with animals, preferably cute ones in peril.
- At the books group, we will discontinue our public affairs and quality fiction imprints. We will refocus our publishing efforts on reader-friendly books involving spirituality, alien abduction and memoirs of childhood abuse, true or invented.
- At the magazine group, we will be selling off several tired, weighty titles and refocusing others on the pressing concerns of real readers. I¡¦ll leave details to the editors, most of whom I¡¦ll be replacing.But in general we want to move away from greenhouse gasses in China and the Mideast peace process and toward hard-hitting articles like (and I¡¦m blue-skying here) ¡§How to Tell When Your Goldfish is Sad,¡¨ ¡§Are We Over-Medicating Our Houseplants?¡¨ ¡§Heath Ledger ¡V the 10-Month Anniversary,¡¨ ¡§Charles Manson Will Now Take Your Questions,¡¨ ¡§Angelina¡¦s Fertility Secrets,¡¨ and ¡§The Killer Microbes Lurking in Your Hair Gel.¡¨
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